Our Stories

October 19th, 2021 my life was forever changed. 

 

I was 38 weeks pregnant with our baby boy, Brixtin Hayes Offard. It had been a busy workday preparing for my upcoming maternity leave. During the middle of the workday I realized I wasn’t sure when the last time was that I felt kicks. If I had ever had this feeling before I would drink a cold drink and lie down to count my kicks. This time, something felt different. I immediately left work and headed to my OB’s office where they put me on the monitor to listen to his heartbeat. The nurse was having issues finding his heartbeat, but then said “are you feeling anything, he’s definitely moving in there!” I told her I was not feeling any movement still, but her words brought me a little bit of relief at that moment.

 

Following what felt like eternity searching for his heartbeat the nurse pulled me into an ultrasound room where I would be silently laying on a bed running through my head every scenario that could be happening. 

The ultrasound tech began looking for his heartbeat. I asked “is he moving in there?” She responded with “not much, I’ll be right back.” She left the room and returned shortly after asking me to gather my things and head into another room. 

Not long after, my doctor walked in and murmured the words that changed my life forever. “Honey, I’m sorry to tell you this but there is no heartbeat.”

I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Intense shock, numbness and sadness overcame me. I called my boyfriend, who had absolutely no idea I had even gone to the clinic to check on him. At the time he traveled for work but happened to be pulling into town. Without giving him too much detail I asked that he meet me at the clinic. He said he would be right there. My next call was my mom who knew the moment I called, something was off.  She asked where I was at and said she would be to the clinic asap. It felt like seconds later the door opened and my mom and dad were standing in the doorway. We just stared at each other with tears in our eyes, no words. We spoke with the doctor about next steps which included the options of heading to the hospital to induce labor or head home and wait for my body to naturally go into labor. There was no question in my mind that I couldn’t leave the clinic and go home to wait for my deceased baby to come on his own. 

 

While our many questions were being answered by my doctor, my boyfriend walked into the room and I blurted out “he died.” I remember him holding his head in his hands. Then he walked over to me and held me while we both cried. 

 

Shortly after, we left our clinic and went home to grab our hospital bags. We headed to the hospital where labor was induced. I would then endure contractions, labor and the natural birth of our baby boy for 5 days. Brixtin was delivered sleeping October 24th, 2021. He weighed 7lbs 12oz and was the most perfect boy I had ever laid my eyes on. 

We took every bit of his being in. We took photos of him. We took photos with him. We spent two whole days with him loving him as much as we possibly could.

The day we left him at the hospital to return home was the second worst day of our lives. I had never thought about leaving his body behind. I didn’t want to say goodbye because that meant forever. There was no true see you later, it was a goodbye which broke me to pieces. How were we supposed to live on without him?

 

Returning home from the hospital is where I was met with the realization that I was not anywhere close to being equipped to take on this new life, especially the next few weeks or even months. I was not prepared for postpartum in the slightest bit. I had never planned a funeral before and was astounded by the cost of our tiny casket, flowers, and a service. And I remember thinking once I received our astronomical hospital bill - “this feels like such a slap in the face to have to come home without my baby, but still have to pay thousands for my hospital stay.” In these moments I knew I wanted better for the next mother and family who has to endure this nightmare.

 

Fast forward to today; the creation of Brixtin’s Blessings.

With love & empathy, Kalah Offard